Ever have one of those days that if there were an entire roll of Nestle's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough in the fridge, you would definitely eat the entire thing? Or, while you don't want to open a bottle -- cause that would definitely make you an alcoholic -- if there were an open bottle of wine in the fridge, you'd probably use the whole thing to wash down the cookie dough?
It's one of those days in my world.
I don't even think I can articulate what's going on with me. I'm standing in the center of a whole world of grey (with cookie dough in one hand and a wine glass in the other), and I've got no idea which way to go. On Sunday, our pastor talked about our all-knowing God who knows the path before us, even though we can't see it. He said that uncertainty is normal, it's a natural feeling, but that we should give God our uncertainty.
My problem is, I'm having a really hard time "giving God my uncertainty" when I am the one who has created the uncertainty. I'm the one who has abandoned the path. I don't deserve the help, since I'm the disobedient, willful child who veered off-course...so I'm not asking for it. I'm the one who has been presented with opportunities, and has chosen fear over faith. I'm the one who sat in the boat -- safely seat-belted and life-jacketed -- while Christ beckoned on the waves. Now that he's back in the boat, giving me what I imagine to be a rather disappointed look, I want to jump over the side and do it one my own...I certainly don't deserve his help since I turned down the offer the first time. The first 500 times.
So I stand here in my self-created greyness with no direction, no certainty, no point...and clearly no intention of asking for help. I throw my hands up and stomp around in a circle. I tell God what an idiot I am. He knows. I apologize over and over for being so faithless in the face of his continued faithfulness. He shakes his head a little sadly. I look back at choices I've made and wonder if I've learned anything in this life. I look around and realize I am stranded...aimless. And I know He's standing just over my shoulder waiting for me to turn around and ask. Just ask. But, you see, I've blown it. I missed my chance. I refused to trust. I have missed the blessing He wanted to give me. The situation where He wanted to use me. I'm the unfaithful servant with one talent who buried it in the ground. I'm the servant who's talent has been taken away, and who is now standing in front of big closed door with empty pockets and a heart full of woulda, shoulda, coulda.
Yeah...it sucks.
So, I'd like to say that after all of this deep soul searching, and mind-numbing mental self-mortification, I came to some epiphany, some light at the end of the tunnel. Not really. But I feel like the saying it out loud, so to speak, is part of the process. It has been gnawing on me for weeks, and today I knew I had to do something...let some part of it become words. Hey, why not online. Confession heals the soul, right? I still don't know what I'm doing. I still have no idea what point my life serves. I still feel sick about the "No's" I've said to God. He has every right to wash His hands of me, and move on to more promising candidates.
I just have to take a deep breath, and cling to the prodigal son. I have no problem admitting that I am the son, opportunities squandered, knee-deep in the muck, knowing I don't deserve to be considered hired help, much less beloved daughter. I just haven't quite made it over the edge of the hill to see the Father racing towards me, arms outstretched, fattened calf at the ready.
I'm not quite there yet...but almost.
In the meantime, pass the cookie dough.
This is beautiful, Trace. Even though it hurt to write it, think about it, and go through it. Thanks for your honesty. And I so wish I could be there to eat cookie dough with you. Just know, that I, too, have been the child that said no a thousand times because it didn't fit into my plan for my life. But rather than see God as waiting for you to turn around and talk to him/notice him/ respond to him, think of Him as already holding you tightly. He's quite aware of your heart and what you do and don't feel like doing. But you are his child---you chose to follow Him. And He doesn't respond like you would if you were in his shoes, so to speak. He's not the parent that is solemnly waiting across the room for their child to give up their pride and give in. He's like you would be with your little baby----you would be holding them and loving on them no matter what they did to hurt you. It's just who He is, and why He gave up everything for us.
ReplyDeleteTracy, there is nothing about you that 'surprises' Him - He's not shocked by sin, and He's certainly not disillusioned with you or the many times you have said 'no' to something He might have been leading you towards- because He never has had any illusions about us to begin with.
ReplyDeleteI would also encourage you to consider this: I don't think that the 'will of God' is some specific path - He knows it, you follow it, and if you don't - well, you get off it, and have a long hike home. The will of God is much less complicated than that - love Him. Every day - every moment - love Him, and in all of those moments share your life with Him in a relationship. If that's happening - then whatever you do, as you do it - well, that's fulfilling the will of God.
I really appreciate your open heart in this post... and I think Father does too.