Reeling

Have you ever had that experience where suddenly, without any warning, your legs are knocked out from under you? You are cruising along just fine, when something earth-shattering hits. And your shell of self-reliance is crushed, leaving you feeling immeasurably vulnerable, shaken, fragile.

I have a had a few of those this year. Days, or several days, that have left me reeling. Feeling un-anchored. Lost. Helpless.

And invariably, our loving and gracious God has used these moments as learning experience. A teachable moment - ha. At the time it felt like being thrown in the deep end without knowing how to swim.

The striking thing about these particular moments I'm thinking of is that God allowed them to happen at times when all my earthly "crutches", so to speak, were nowhere to be found. We all have those people around us who hold us up, strengthen us. Those we call first when something happens. Those who bear our burdens as gladly as we bear theirs. These are people God has graciously placed in our lives, and I believe He loves us in a very tangible way through them. But sometimes, at least with me, He has to remind me again in a very real way that while these people can help support me, He alone is my foundation. It is fine to lean on those who know and love me, but He alone must be the source of my strength.

Several of these moments have come this year when Kevin was traveling, friends were out of town, family was unavailable or unable to offer help. And the feeling of being completely alone was staggering. And in those moments, I could almost feel His hand on my back, reminding me that He was there...where He always is.

I am getting better, and faster, at turning to Him first, and leaning on others second. It is a hard lesson, and one I hope I hurry up and learn so He'll stop letting all this crap happen to me and around me. But I am, as ever, a work in progress.