Death and Taxes

We finished up our taxes at the end of last week like the good, responsible, morally-upstanding citizens that we are. Kevin single-handedly tackles the madness with TurboTax as his guide. The Night of the Taxes, was a roller coaster that went something like this...

1.) Kevin enters all of our information - income, charitable donations, other financial type stuff I don't understand - and from the living room I hear, "What?!?". This is never a good sound from a husband trying to file taxes. Our friends in the IRS were trying to tell us we owed $6000+ .

2.) Kevin grumbled and frowned at the computer, shuffled papers, and eventually upgraded to the "deluxe" version of TurboTax in order to enter more detailed information. Ah ha...this seemed to fix the problem! After 30 minutes of adding more details, surprise!! We were getting paid $16,000! You can imagine the happiness...we were dreaming of heading out and buying a house that weekend! Fantastic! All has been provided...God is so good! We were giddy.

3.) Then...Kevin notices that some things aren't adding up. He decides to go back and delete and re-enter some information. And we watch our little green number at the top of the screen...the one that tells us how much we're getting back, how much we get to pocket, how much more we have to put down on a house...slowly scroll down, getting smaller and smaller and smaller.

In the end, let's just say while the number never made it into the red, it is significantly less than the $16,000 lottery we thought we had won.

And while it isn't logical, I feel I should confess that I was a little irked with God. Here we were, $16,000 theoretically in our pocket, and we're talking about how faithful God is, how he has taken such providential care of us. After a discouraging conversation just the night before about down payments and when we'll be able to buy, this seemed like God's serendipitous way of making it all okay, showering blessings on his children. And then it was yanked from our pockets by the grasping hands of the blasted IRS. And I felt let down.

While I told God I was grateful he was taking care of us so that we were getting the right amount and wouldn't be audited later and have to cough up a huge chunk of cash, inside, in a very small, ugly part of me, I felt like God had given us a little gift, and then snatched it back. I felt disappointed.

He knew. He knew I was half-heartedly thanking him for "taking care of us", when in my heart I was mumbling, "if you really wanted to take care of us, you would give us that $16,000 back." He knows what kind of selfish, ungrateful person I am. Such a spoiled brat...turning my nose up at a wonderful gift because it's not the gift I really wanted. Ignoring the fact, that just 20 minutes before we were going to have to pay $6000. It is a wonder God puts up with me at all. I am like Cameron, laying on the ground crying and kicking my legs because I didn't get what I wanted. That doesn't work with me, and it certainly doesn't work with God. Like any parent of a toddler, I am sure he shakes his head at me a little sadly, and wonders when I'll ever learn. It's a miracle he doesn't give me a good swat and stick me in time out.

Yet in the meantime, he continues to love me and take care of me, he dumps bucketfulls of blessings on me, he gently (and sometimes not so gently) teaches me, and he hasn't given up on me...and promises that he won't. And that steadfast love and lesson re-learned is worth more than $16,000 that was never really mine in the first place.