Well, after a 2 month hiatus, I figured it was time to write again. Little Cameron turned 7 weeks old on Wednesday. Sometimes I feel like we just brought him home from the hospital. And other times I feel like it has been the longest 7 weeks of my entire life. I am amazed that I love this Little Man so much...and yet sometimes want to throw him out the window. I can't imagine life without him...yet sometimes miss the ease of our old life so much it makes me want to cry. I sit in our living room feeding him at 4:00 a.m. and wonder if I'll ever have a full night of sleep again in this lifetime. Yet I know that before long he won't let me rock him to sleep anymore. The most sleep I get at any one time is 3 hours...and I have only been out of the house without him 3 times in the last 7 weeks. I'm tired.
My house is a disaster. The laundry is about to take over the living room. I have dust bunnies bigger then Cameron. Days pass before I find time to call people back or respond to email. My once impeccably organized life is in complete disarray. I am reduced to considering a day that includes a shower and some make-up a success. I hardly recognize myself or my life. Who am I and how exactly did I get here?
This is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever done.
But could he be any more beautiful? Could he smell any sweeter? I love kissing his little neck, and his crooked little toes. I love the hilariously adorable little frowny face he makes right before he starts crying. I live for bathtime, watching him suck air through pursed lips as we lower him into the warm water, and then relax as he remembers how much he loves the bath. I can hardly wait for that first smile that will suddenly make so many late nights worth it. I love sitting here on the couch right now and looking over at Kevin, feet propped up on the coffee table watching basketball, Cameron swaddled up like a little bundle asleep (finally!) on his chest. I fall in love with my husband over and over again every day.
Through it all -- the sleepless nights and erractic schedule; the interrupted meals and sore back; the fatigue and frustration; the days of being sucked on, spit up on, peed on, sneezed on, and generally covered with baby yuck; the feeling that I hardly recognize myself -- I am overwhelmingly grateful for this Little One's presence in our lives. He is a miracle. I pray that I never forget that.
Trace, thank you for writing that. You have said it so well you made me a bit emotional. I'm right there with you, girl, even if we are across the country from each other. I feel the same about Colton - it is such a mixture of feelings! I love you. Hang in there, you are a great mother! You will have good days again soon!
ReplyDeleteSweet Tracey, this post is so honest and encompasses the emotions of all new moms. I remember one day when Shelby was very fussy, I handed her over to Justin, went upstairs, cried on our bed and said, "I just want my life back". At first your emotions are whacky...you'll even out soon! :) You're doing the most difficult and most important job out there!
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